Dream Chasers

Mastering the Art of Conflict: A Guide to Healthy Disagreements in Relationships

• Eric Heidrich

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Imagine turning every clash with your partner into a chance for growth, unity, and understanding. In this episode, we guide you through the labyrinth of conflict, showing you HOW to fight and revealing the secret of fighting RIGHT, while managing disagreements with grace, respect, and an open heart. We share the critical importance of understanding why you are fighting and the power of setting aside time for conflict. We even offer some of our own tactics for managing disputes in public and how to ensure both emotions and self-esteem are preserved during these moments.

In this lively exchange, we delve into the essential art of communication and apology, sharing our unique "puzzle-piece method" to ensure both parties feel heard. We also explore the intricacies of apologizing, providing you with the tools to heal wounds and rebuild trust. Moreover, we tackle the concept of 'fighting fair' in relationships, offering practical and emotional steps to navigate conflict effectively. 

We believe in the importance of authenticity, reminding you that real relationships involve REAL conflict, and that's okay! Join us on this enlightening journey into the heart of conflict management, where every fight is a step closer to understanding.

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Eric:

Have you been at work?

Kate:

I, yeah, I would love to go. Send me back. You stay home.

Eric:

You stay home with the kid, I'm the one that's putting food on the table and money in the bank account.

Kate:

You always bring this up. It's ridiculous.

Eric:

You know what I'm out of here? You can throw it at my face. Yeah, I'm out of here, Okay fine. Bye.

Kate:

Leave like your father.

Eric:

Oh.

Kate:

Oh.

Eric:

Nice, that was good. Did you guys believe that I'm still mad at you? That sounded real. I think I actually was taking some of that to heart.

Kate:

I know It's getting a little heated.

Eric:

I'm sweaty. Yeah, this is the Dream Chasers Show. Hey everybody, what's going on? It's Eric and Kate with the Dream Chasers, and today we're going to be talking about something I feel like most couples do, and if you don't, you're robots And you have no emotion or feeling.

Kate:

It's called fighting with your spouse.

Eric:

Kate's throwing fake punches over here.

Kate:

Yeah.

Eric:

And naturally I'm dodging them because she's super uncoordinated.

Kate:

Ah, they look more like cheerleader moves rather than boxing punches.

Eric:

So we wanted to talk to you guys about fighting with your spouse, because it's one of them things that I feel like everybody does And it's something that doesn't get talked about much, and if you've ever been in an even a healthy relationship or an unhealthy relationship, you still are going to deal with controversy and fights.

Kate:

It's just going to happen. I feel like if you don't fight, then that's also unhealthy too, because then that means one person is suppressing the other. And they're the ones that are dominating everything, and one person is just so scared or intimidated or that they don't feel comfortable even voicing their own opinion.

Eric:

Dang, you sound like you're speaking from experience. Yeah, eric beats me, don't say that, no, i don't Just at any game ever. Yeah, that's what I beat you up.

Kate:

Yes, that's true. So, yeah, i think, fighting with your spouse, there's a time and a place.

Eric:

And Or even your significant other. Oh, so you don't have to be married to them. You're right, you're going to be fighting either way when you live with somebody or spend a lot of time with them. Who's that? We're two separate people with two separate thoughts and emotions, and it's going to happen.

Kate:

And the right way of doing things, and then your husband's wrong way of doing things. Oh, we're going to go down that road, oh yeah, start right now, ding ding, round two.

Eric:

So today we're going to dive into some ways to have effective fights and productive fights. We're not saying that you're never going to fight. Obviously, we've established that's going to happen. But the goal with this is to end up one feeling hurt And two not feeling hurt. Right, how do we get our point across to each other without damaging the other person's self-esteem, emotions and creating a really bad dynamic for your relationship going forward? So should we dive in?

Kate:

Yes, let's dive in Number one. Be curious about your fights. Why are we even fighting? Are we fighting over that the toaster was set on too high of a setting and now you've got burnt toast? Or was that just the catalyst that tipped off your entire freaking week? because the babysitter showed up late, the dog puked on the carpet and the kid threw something out that was Right. I don't know Like Yeah.

Eric:

The car broke down, the bank account is low. There's usually other stressors that aren't related to the thing that you're fighting about at the current time, but they might be boiling up and it's like building up this energy of animosity. Or maybe the husband, right, isn't effectively helping at home I'm guilty of that Effectively not helping with the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, the kids, all of this stuff. And then the spouse or the wife, in this instance, right is feeling neglected and feeling these, these like Overwhelmed and, yeah, under supported.

Kate:

Yeah, there's. So I think it's important to find out what the What, the cause of the fight is like, where it's all stemming from, because a lot of times too like you just outburst an anger and you don't even know why. But a lot of inner reflection too, on both parts We'll help figure out. Why are we even fighting.

Eric:

Right, yeah, all right. number two this one kind of sounds funny to me, but schedule time for the conflict and 730 on a Thursday night 730 every week. We're just gonna box it out, put on the gloves and boom boom. Thursdays are exciting in our Yay, kate didn't get that black eye ran into a doorknob doorknob. We shouldn't be joking about.

Eric:

Oh yeah, that's true, but anyway the obviously that sounds Kind of unrealistic rates. Okay, pause, we're gonna schedule the time for the fight, but I think what they're getting at here is if you're out in public, let's say, you're in line at Walmart getting groceries and you're just, you've just had it and you guys are already kind of bickering. That's not a good time to be, to be throwing your verbal. We fight through like back and forth and that's a horrible time to be calling each other out in front of all these people. We've been a lot of us have been there and seen that it's super awkward and it's very demeaning and it's not effective.

Kate:

I have not affected because so we, we actually had this. We walked by somebody at the zoo the other day. I'm having a fight. Yes, it was awkward.

Eric:

I'm trying to look at the zebras and these two are over here. Are you with each other about? I don't even remember. Like you always and you never, and we're gonna talk about always and never. Oh, there's two words.

Kate:

But yeah, but just knowing like a time for conflict to, and if it is getting heated like in Walmart, you just say hey, no, it's not the time and place. Let's get the kids home or get out of public or save it for the car, whatever it is. I also think that it's important to not try not to do it in front of the kids, because chances are it's not about the kids. Why are you bringing the kids into it?

Eric:

Yeah, and then they see that yeah. And I think One thing I want to reiterate, probably time and time again in this podcast episode, is a lot of these things that we're talking about stem from Us actually having done them and learning from them. We're not perfect by any means, so I want to get that out on in the air right away. I don't want to be sitting here saying, oh, this is how you should fight and and we don't do any of those things. No, we've definitely had her fair share.

Kate:

I just learned that one from doing it the other day in front of Annie. Do you remember when we were fighting and we started raising her voice and then she started yelling and throwing things?

Eric:

and her emotions were like crazy, yes, like I don't want to. I guess crazies may be a bad word, but her emotions were all out of control, yeah, and she doesn't know how to handle them. You know, kids are still trying to figure out their emotions. Hell, most adults Can't even figure out their emotions. So when they are exposed to these high energy situations and they're two caregivers, basically the the gods of their world at that time are having a really bad dispute or getting Emotionally charged like they, I feel like they just can't handle it.

Kate:

They're the neurons in their brains go crazy.

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, just makes me want to cry again thinking about that, like yeah, yeah so Basically, that point is save it for a time where you where you guys can you and your significant other can actually talk it through Or yell it through whatever form you know, but keep it cordial, but keep it also away from other people. Keep it in a space where it's like safe, not around people or kids number three Call a timeout if you or your partner needs one.

Kate:

I, i feel like this is so. We've used this time and time again and, really honestly, it pisses me off because I Feel like you call a timeout just because you want to get away and I'm like, oh no, no, i'm not done you follow me into the next room. I follow you, which is more difficult in the RV now, because you have nowhere to hide.

Eric:

There's nowhere to go. Fellas, if you're listening to this, you don't have a basement to go to. You share a car. Yeah, there's nowhere to go. No, that is so true, though, about calling the timeout. It's it's like I heard somebody say this, but it's like a boxing match. It's like if a referee were there and you have your two opponents going at it and eventually, there's a time Where the time ends and it's dang, dang, dang. Take a break. Take a break separate, bring yourself back down, because your emotions are really high and, yeah, and that's usually when you say things that you don't mean.

Eric:

The higher they go.

Kate:

Yep, like, hey, i wish that you were dead. Oh yeah, that's a doozy. Yep, or I hate you, i want a divorce, yeah, all of the like Things that you never would think of. speaking to your spouse when you, when you know that you love them and care about them, but when you're, when you just see red because he just won't listen and he's trying to run away from you, yeah, yeah, those are things that that you don't want to say so, and calling a timeout is a really effective manner of doing that.

Kate:

So thanks for always calling timeouts. You're welcome. You're welcome, thank you for watching.

Eric:

I hope you enjoyed this video. I'll see you next time. Bye, all right. Number four is to make requests instead of complaints. So this is a big one, and I've been guilty of this in the past is when you sling the words you always, you never. Those are two words you should try to stay away from, because obviously that's not true. Always is a very literal term and never is also a literal term. So if you say you always do this and you always do that and you never help with this and you never, you don't mean it and it's most likely not true. And instead of complaining about the other person, what if we made a request and said hey, could you please help me with this? Could you please help me to understand this, because I'm not seeing it the way you're seeing it Make a request instead of a direct blow to that other person.

Kate:

And I feel like we've I don't know who taught us this trick, but expressing how we feel, like when you say something that upsets me, instead of saying, well, you said this and you did that and you come from it as a stance of, so I feel hurt when, or I feel offended, i'm upset when, like when you change it to, instead of the blame game, you do some more reflection and say, hey, this is how this makes me feel And you could incorporate that with requests.

Eric:

Yeah, that's a good one, Because you're not like, you're not targeting the other person. You're saying these are my feelings, this is what I'm going through internally, and you can't always explain your feelings. That's what's pretty wild about feelings We all have them and oftentimes we can't always explain our emotions. But the fact that God gave you those emotions says something, because we all have anger. We all have excitement, happiness, sadness, sorrow. We share these qualities. That's something we all have. And so if you can say that to me, hey, i'm feeling such and such sad or angry, or I can relate to that because I have those same feelings. Does that make sense?

Kate:

I think so.

Eric:

Like if, instead of you throwing insults at me, you were to say I feel this way. I can relate to that because I have felt that way as well, and my guard comes down.

Kate:

Yeah, right, okay, makes sense. Number five listen and ask your partner for clarification. All right, so we use this fun little game. I know a game amidst a fighting. It's fun, trust me. Thursday nights they're a riot in the house Sharing the floor. So who's got the floor? So last time that we were fighting I had the puzzle out and we literally I grabbed a puzzle piece and I said, uh-uh-uh, i've got the floor, let me talk. So then I would talk because I've got the floor, and then I would hand flung the puzzle piece.

Eric:

Yeah no kidding, i had to dodge it.

Kate:

Well, good thing it wasn't like a ninja star or something, but it did have sharp edges, Flung the puzzle piece back over in your direction and now you've got the floor, but then you have to repeat what I just said.

Eric:

Before I start throwing in my. That's a tough one if we're just being honest, because when we're fighting with each other, really what we're doing is cutting each other off, inserting our own opinions.

Kate:

Not listening. Not listening, not feeling like you're being heard.

Eric:

And when both parties aren't heard, nobody gets anywhere.

Kate:

And somehow the voices just keep getting louder and louder.

Eric:

Yeah, and I got a loud voice. Yeah, i do, and we live in a small community of RV parkers so I'm sure 30 people hear it. That's such a good point. I struggle personally with keeping my emotions in check. I'm a high-I. If any of you have ever heard of a thing called the disc personality assessment, it's the D-I-S-C And the I in there is influential. So it means that you have high energy, high emotion, high charisma, whatever. And that's where I struggle, because my emotions I wear them on my sleeve big time And so when we fight I'm guilty of interrupting And so personally, officially, i'm sorry about that, but that's a struggle for me. So having the floor does help. Having that piece, whatever it is, could be a remote Just make sure it's something soft, so you don't whip it at each other.

Kate:

Well, yeah, maybe not whip it at each other either, even if it is as small as a puzzle piece.

Eric:

Hand it over gently.

Kate:

Hand it over gently.

Eric:

And then what you said, too, is repeat back what they said before.

Kate:

you insert your hip And that way the other side feels heard Right. And yeah, that's so important Because even if you never feel like you're heard, you never get over that fight.

Eric:

Yeah, you'll hold that in like an animosity treasure chest And then you bust that baby open on the next fight. Remember when you did this and you said that, and you have all this ammo stored up, yep, and you think so. Clear the air, clear the ammo, empty that chest before you move on.

Kate:

Yes, Number six learn the right way to apologize to your partner.

Eric:

What the heck does that mean?

Kate:

You're right, you're right, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Eric:

Oh, you're right, You're right. You know what I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not doing the laundry and so sorry for not helping all the kids.

Kate:

That is the wrong way to apologize.

Eric:

Great example of what not to do.

Kate:

Yeah, because I mean, in the end, does anybody ever feel good about those kinds of apologies?

Eric:

No, they're so backended.

Kate:

Yeah, they really are, and you know that they don't mean it, and something that you've been improving on lately is even like. I want an apology right away because I'm direct and to the point and I'm the alpha. Sorry, babe.

Eric:

But I don't think you're the alpha. You're definitely a domineering woman. You're a strong, independent woman who needs no man, and I am lucky to be in your presence most days. Most days, i just scored brownie points, boys.

Kate:

Yeah, you did, but and that's something that you've been working on a lot lately is apologizing the right way instead of just doing that. What we just did, like, oh, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry, because you used to do that and it would really piss me off, because I know that you're not serious, But you would wait and wait like a day or two and you wouldn't talk to me And that would also piss me off.

Eric:

But then Oh, the quiet is so nice. So I'm glad that you brought that up and thanks for injecting that into the conversation, And it makes me think of like the times we have fought and, of course, just like you just said, there have been times where I'm like oh, I'm so sorry, whatever, I'm sorry, And we just basically say whatever and leave it at that. But I found the most effective way to apologize is to take time to actually think about what you're apologizing for and let it like if it needs to consume you for a day or two until it actually hits and you know like okay, this is what I didn't said wrong, This is what I've been doing wrong in our relationship, This is what I'm actually sorry for, because I wanna mend this. I wanna mend this wound that we have, And so apologizing for that is so much more effective than just throwing a random I'm sorry. It's like saying I love you on the second date. It's not true. You don't actually love that person.

Kate:

So what happens if, like, you say that you're sorry but you're really not sorry, or you feel like that other person said it and doesn't mean it, because then they just keep doing it. Like, how do you troubleshoot that kind of relationship?

Eric:

Is that a real question to?

Kate:

me? I think so.

Eric:

Well, i think I guess this is how I feel regarding that. It's gonna take. It takes time for a human being to change. Most humans are set in their way. Most people grow up doing something a certain way their whole life And then when they meet another person and they start spending more time with them and then eventually, moving in, now your flaws come to surface that you maybe didn't see when you weren't spending all your time with that person. The annoying things that they do or say start to surface. So it's gonna take time for that other person to change And they might never fully change. I don't know. I believe people can change. But to get back to your question, what if they keep doing it? It's gonna take time, just like anything. No one's gonna change overnight because you want us, because somebody wants them to.

Kate:

So having patience And I feel like this whole conversation has just been riddled with patience throughout everything, even just being curious about your fights, that requires patience, like in the heat of the moment, pulling back and realizing, okay, what is it that we're really upset about? that requires patience. Scheduling a time for conflict patience. Calling a time out patience.

Eric:

And self-control.

Kate:

And self-control, holy cow, so that you don't do or say things you don't wanna do.

Eric:

or say Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a very good point.

Kate:

Waiting for someone to change, waiting for someone to apologize. Holy cow, i thought I was gonna die before you apologize for that last fight there. You waited like two days Yeah, like an entire day.

Eric:

I'm a mysterious man Oh my gosh.

Kate:

Oh, I'm so mysterious. Oh boy, Look at me. my name's Eric. Nobody knows what I'm thinking or doing. I don't even know what I'm thinking or doing.

Eric:

That's another thing that I just thought of this. Like if you wait too long, you might forget to apologize. Yes, So an appropriate amount of time depending on the level of fight right Is just use discretion, All right. So obviously the fight from the very beginning was fabricated, or was it?

Eric:

You'll never know, you'll never know, but we wanted to kind of throw this out there and just be authentic and real, because the reality is we people fight, like you do. When you're living with somebody in close quarters, like two different people, it's bound to happen. So it's very important to understand how to do it and how to actually come to a proper conclusion and a good outcome where it's a win-win situation, if as best it can be anyway, yeah. So hopefully you guys enjoyed this and got some value out of it. I'm gonna wrap it up real quick with the six steps that we just talked about. Number one be curious about your fights. Why are you actually fighting? Number two schedule time for the conflict. Keep it away from public, keep it away from your kids, if you can. Number three call a timeout if you actually need one.

Kate:

Number four make requests instead of complaints. Number five listen and ask your partner for clarification. That's the little puzzle piece of having the floor. And number six learn the right way to apologize to your partner.

Eric:

Thanks everybody for listening. This is Dream Chasers Eric and Kate, and we are outta here, No we're not, we're over that. Perfect, I like it. You guys, I knew it.